Happy is the new black

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Don't get riled up!

Oh dear. I knew this day would come. Well, I hoped this day would come but in the same way you look forward to buying a new car or getting a drastic haircut. You know it's for your own good and it needs to happen but it's gonna hurt a little.

I....went on a date.

YIKES!

After joining 2 dating sites at the near insistence of my friend I met (can you say 'meet' when it's online?) a nice guy who stood out quite a bit from the freak shows and wackadoodles.

I have a fairly outgoing personality so I'd been asked out before since the big D but those were all answered with an I'm-flattered-but-I-just-don't-think-I'm-ready mantra. It just rolled right off the tongue. Even after I was ready I used this excuse I admit. It really is flattering to be asked though. My sorely bruised ego was grateful for that.

I sort of had in mind a long string of first dates. You know, lots of dinner and polite, entry-level get-to-know-you questions, a brief family history, the highlights of my resume, a peck on the cheek and call it a night.

As God continues to show me however, I do not make the plans.

New Guy is nice. Really nice. And while I pictured myself (for the first time in my life) dating around for an extended period before any chaps got a second date things are not going like I thought.

New Guy is pretty awesome and we've been on several dates. I have given only the barest of essential details to the fam (i.e. He's tall. He lives in Gadsden.) much to their exaspiration. My reply when they point out I'm grinning like an idiot is to say, "Don't get riled up" and then quickly change the subject. I think it's working about as well as that time I denied opening half my Christmas presents while Mom & Dad were gone and acting shocked when the tags were already off some of the clothes.

I really don't know what is wrong with me but doing the casual, laid back thing has never been my strong suit. Now, I'm not picking out china patterns with New Guy but at the same time I told the latest enquirer that I was 'seeing somebody.'

I'm seeing somebody. OMG

I'm being seen by somebody!

Maybe I should look in the mirror next time I say, 'Don't get riled up!'

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Trick or Treat

For me, the official 'Holiday Season' starts with Halloween.

As soon as the pumpkins come out I get all excited and break out my Monster Mash Party Hits and watch Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic.

Last year I had the opportunity to go a real live costume party with a significant other. Since I was part of a (married) couple I wanted to dress as stuff that went together. What? I'm so not the only one.

I compiled a long list of possibilities: Peter Pan and Wendy (Yep, with tights. I can't begin to describe how fast that one was nixed.); Dorothy and The Tin Man; Dorothy & The Lion; Dorothy and The Scarecrow (notice a pattern here?); Sara Palin & a Mousse (trust me, at the time it was hysterical; A Pirate and Wench, etc.

None of these were acceptable to Mr. X and the party was a week away so I took matters into my own hands and bought the last two coordinating costumes at Wal-mart. Bacon & Eggs.

And no, for the love of Pete that is not Mr. X and me.

Fast forward a year. Halloween is coming up again and I have a costume party to go to . The hunt is on for a (slightly slutty) fun outfit and I thought more than once about wearing my wedding dress covered in fake blood. Too much?

Is it too hard to ask for a costume that emphasizes my boobs, gives me an excuse to wear my glitter makeup I've been hoarding since junior high, is something recognizable so I don't have to explain what I am all night, goes with my black knee-high boots I always want to wear and says, 'Come hit on me,' 'But only if you are employed, unmarried and don't live with your mother.'?

I know that's an aweful lot to ask of flimsy material made in Taiwan but if I could get that all for under $50 that would be great. K? Thanks.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Baby steps

Ok. It's been a while. And by a while I mean it's been the appropriate amount of time (since the big D) for me to speed drop some pounds (having tears for breakfast and the trots for dinner helps), have a nervous breakdown (I'm still working on that one) and get my Rx for Prozac. That last one should kick in 3-5 days from now so if none of you want to talk to me until Thursday I'll understand.

Anywho...I took the advice (ok, down right insistence) of some friends and joined a dating site. *eek*

After setting my filters to the highest possible "no freaks, axe murderers or mama's boys allowed" settings I got several nice comments from chaps in the area who thought I was pretty. Aww. (insert school girl giggle here)

Maybe was being a tad harsh, but right off the bat I eliminated about 3/4 of the male population in the tri-state area. I mean come on people. It's like you're wanting me to block you. Automatic cut for any of the following:

*Making a 'gangsta' face complete with sideways peace sign in your profile pic
*Having the toilet visible where you took your pic in the bathroom. (Crop isn't one of those bad 4-letter words)
*Trying to be all mysterious with answers like "wouldn't you like to know" or "I'll tell you later." Um, yeah I would like to know. Just tell me now and save us some time.
*Any type of sexual innuendos alluding to how skilled you are or the number of women your services have pleased. If you make me think of Clamidia, Gonorrhea or Herpes I'm not only moving on, but I'm blocking you and Germ-Xing my keyboard.
*Tales of how you've been done wrong by women in the past. I've got sad crap too buddy. You gonna cry on our first date?
*Bad spelling. Spell check is free honey. Use it.
*Saying how badly you want a good, honest, loyal, loving woman to settle down with. Really? I thought you'd want a stupid, rude, lying skank of a bitch who won't remember you or care to in the morning. This is a given guys, don't list it.
*A long list of must haves. You won't settle for anything less than a 5'9" Rhodes scholar with long blond hair and Barbie measurements? Hop on over to Russia pal and order yourself up a treat. (and I probably wouldn't mention that you are 5'7", 50 pounds to the greater and balding, but I'm just saying)

Monday, September 27, 2010

Go Team! (sort of)

The pigskin is something that's always been illusive to me. I dare admit that I, a born and bred Southerner, haven't a clue what those corn-fed chaps are doing scurrying about on the field. They would revoke my Southern Belle card, but I make a banana puddin' so perfect it would make you weep.

There's a scene in Driving Miss Daisy where Morgan Freeman is telling Jessica Tandy that he can't read. She counters with, "But I see you looking at the paper all the time." He explains, "But that's just it, I just be a lookin'." It's kind of the same for me, but not as profound.

I love everything about football: The cool weather, the excited fans, tailgating, entire outfits and a host of other merchandise devoted to the people you're watching. It's very similar to what the theatre is to me. Hell, if people were grilling hot dogs outside Broadway I'd say they were one in the same.

I almost broke down and bought An Idiot's Guide to Football on Amazon.com but my pride prevented it. Thanks to the internet and a few teen angst movies from my high school days I know lots of terms so I know when to cheer and when to be sad, angry, etc. When it comes to real-time play however, I just be a lookin'.

Thursday, September 16, 2010

The Incredible Shrinking Woman

I'm not a big fan of change. That's putting it mildly. It's more accurate to say that any change freaks me out to the point where the only appeasement is to make detailed To Do lists, plan a week of menus and organize the freezer. What can I say? I'm a girl who likes to plan.

Since I involuntarily had to let go of some things this year,

*cough* - husband/divorce - *cough* - Grandfather/death - *cough* - apartment/income - *cough* - freedom/Grandmother - *cough* - friends/married people think divorce in contagious - *cough* - Internet/aforementioned Grandmother thinks it's evil - *cough* - family/apparently I have exhausted my allotted time frame to grieve for husband & Grandfather and should be all chipper again - *cough**cough**cough*

I decided to voluntarily let go of something I've been holding on to for a long time, my old clothes.

Let it be noted that I am not now, nor have I ever been materialistic. My choice to hoard sweaters, skirts and the like from my younger (and albeit thinner days) is almost purely financial. Almost.

A massive, three-day consignment event is coming up and I am bidding goodbye to Jennie circa (mumbling a year) once and for all.

Going through the Rubbermaid boxes of clothes I remember wearing to homecoming games, special dates, Christmas parties and weddings it's hard not to be nostalgic. But I'm on a mission here so I'm tagging my memories for about $2 a pop. HA!

There's one other thing I've lost over the months...weight! And while sorting my piles I decided to try on a few just for fun. I know what you're thinking and NO, I didn't keep all the clothes. I limited myself to 5 things to keep from several hundred so shut it.

In keeping with the theme of this blog and being all happy and crap I am looking on the bright side. I'll have more space, earn a bit of money and have rediscovered the cutest Banana Republic skirt I can proudly park my incredibly shrinking behind into.