Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Trick or Treat

For me, the official 'Holiday Season' starts with Halloween.

As soon as the pumpkins come out I get all excited and break out my Monster Mash Party Hits and watch Hocus Pocus and Practical Magic.

Last year I had the opportunity to go a real live costume party with a significant other. Since I was part of a (married) couple I wanted to dress as stuff that went together. What? I'm so not the only one.

I compiled a long list of possibilities: Peter Pan and Wendy (Yep, with tights. I can't begin to describe how fast that one was nixed.); Dorothy and The Tin Man; Dorothy & The Lion; Dorothy and The Scarecrow (notice a pattern here?); Sara Palin & a Mousse (trust me, at the time it was hysterical; A Pirate and Wench, etc.

None of these were acceptable to Mr. X and the party was a week away so I took matters into my own hands and bought the last two coordinating costumes at Wal-mart. Bacon & Eggs.

And no, for the love of Pete that is not Mr. X and me.

Fast forward a year. Halloween is coming up again and I have a costume party to go to . The hunt is on for a (slightly slutty) fun outfit and I thought more than once about wearing my wedding dress covered in fake blood. Too much?

Is it too hard to ask for a costume that emphasizes my boobs, gives me an excuse to wear my glitter makeup I've been hoarding since junior high, is something recognizable so I don't have to explain what I am all night, goes with my black knee-high boots I always want to wear and says, 'Come hit on me,' 'But only if you are employed, unmarried and don't live with your mother.'?

I know that's an aweful lot to ask of flimsy material made in Taiwan but if I could get that all for under $50 that would be great. K? Thanks.

Monday, October 4, 2010

Baby steps

Ok. It's been a while. And by a while I mean it's been the appropriate amount of time (since the big D) for me to speed drop some pounds (having tears for breakfast and the trots for dinner helps), have a nervous breakdown (I'm still working on that one) and get my Rx for Prozac. That last one should kick in 3-5 days from now so if none of you want to talk to me until Thursday I'll understand.

Anywho...I took the advice (ok, down right insistence) of some friends and joined a dating site. *eek*

After setting my filters to the highest possible "no freaks, axe murderers or mama's boys allowed" settings I got several nice comments from chaps in the area who thought I was pretty. Aww. (insert school girl giggle here)

Maybe was being a tad harsh, but right off the bat I eliminated about 3/4 of the male population in the tri-state area. I mean come on people. It's like you're wanting me to block you. Automatic cut for any of the following:

*Making a 'gangsta' face complete with sideways peace sign in your profile pic
*Having the toilet visible where you took your pic in the bathroom. (Crop isn't one of those bad 4-letter words)
*Trying to be all mysterious with answers like "wouldn't you like to know" or "I'll tell you later." Um, yeah I would like to know. Just tell me now and save us some time.
*Any type of sexual innuendos alluding to how skilled you are or the number of women your services have pleased. If you make me think of Clamidia, Gonorrhea or Herpes I'm not only moving on, but I'm blocking you and Germ-Xing my keyboard.
*Tales of how you've been done wrong by women in the past. I've got sad crap too buddy. You gonna cry on our first date?
*Bad spelling. Spell check is free honey. Use it.
*Saying how badly you want a good, honest, loyal, loving woman to settle down with. Really? I thought you'd want a stupid, rude, lying skank of a bitch who won't remember you or care to in the morning. This is a given guys, don't list it.
*A long list of must haves. You won't settle for anything less than a 5'9" Rhodes scholar with long blond hair and Barbie measurements? Hop on over to Russia pal and order yourself up a treat. (and I probably wouldn't mention that you are 5'7", 50 pounds to the greater and balding, but I'm just saying)